[me and Bob; John & Leigh's Wedding, June 2005]
Been contemplating these thoughts from Ali… and these thoughts from Danny…
I’ve been so busy posting about the house that I’ve been stashing away a lot of other feelings, thoughts and worries that have been brewing.
Maybe my body thinks if I ignore them they will go away… they aren’t going away…
I know this from all of the Pop Tarts and Whatchamacallit bars I have been eating out of the vending machine this week. And the fact that I told Andrew 3 times this morning that I haven’t been sleeping well.
Things are S-L-O-W at work….which is awful because it gives my mind WAY too much time and freedom to roam…. and it usually roams to all the wrong places, like my insecurities, worries and such; or to the internet for shopping therapy.
Change is in the air.
Change=Fear=Worry=Me in hiding, dysfunctional and a ball of nerves 24/7 (God bless Andrew)
I try to think back and remember how I handled other times of change… When I moved to Missouri back in 1998. When I left my job in 1999. When I moved out of my sweet little rental house in 2004. The thing I handled the best was probably leaving my job in 1999 and for the life of me I can’t remember why I handled it so well!!! I should have been terrified! I had no job prospects and no place to live! (the job I was leaving provided housing…no job, no housing) But when I think back on that time I remember feeling liberated, excited, light, airy, free and full of possibility. Maybe it was because I was only 24 but I wish I could find that feeling again.
I don’t mean to sound cliché but I suppose this is my mid-life crisis? (or more accurately, “I’m not in my 20s anymore” crisis). I’m 30 and I feel lost and I don’t want to waste any more time feeling that way.
And this is why I LOVE my dear, dear friend Bob. I have been wracking my brain for weeks, wavering between this decision and that decision and last night I somehow ended up at the TinCan, drinking a Coke, talking with Bob, surrounded by the DirtyDogs softball team. And Bob said to me “Two years from now….would you rather have decorated your house…or become a decorator?”
And in typical fashion my mind responded, “Well I’m not sure I want to be a decorator or that I’ll be good enough, blah, blah, blah”….. But my heart got the point.
THE POINT IS… in 2 years I would rather know that I at least tried. That I went out and tried to find the thing that made me happy. And who knows…maybe in 2 years I’ll be a decorator….or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll be in a graduate school program for science…or education; or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll be serving coffee at the shop around the corner
but maybe, just maybe…. I will have discovered a way to spend my days that makes me happy and joyful and full and alive.
As much as I love buying things, objects, and stuff for my house (which represents lots of other baggage like having money and security)….it could never compare to finding happiness.
2 comments:
Always interesting to read your posts, Sarah. I talked to my sister the other night and the conversation turned to that feeling you are describing of anxious restlessness. My sister's been reading a book by a Buddist monk that talks about this feeling as the feeling that is what it means to be human and that rather than ever expect that we can get away from it we should strive towards "pushing into its sharp point and being pierced by it". This was such an interesting idea to me, because all the diliberations you talk about I go through too, even working in a field that I value. In that same I'm not 20 anymore way I've realized that it is possible I will always feel a sense of restlessness and my goal shouldn't be to focus on what will make the uncertainty/restlessness go away, but rather do the next right thing and enjoy the periods of contentment as they come. Anyway this conversation with my sister was really interesting becaause this monk perspective is that this restlessness isn't something to endure, but rather embrace and that is what leads us to compassion. She'll be at the wedding, she's bringing me the title of the book. Looking forward to seeing you this weekend.
We all have a different frame of reference, for me the phase, "I wish I would have" doesn't feel good. I spent $5,000 on my Pocket-Pal idea that didn't work - but, I'm glad I tried. I can live with the failure (most really successful people talk about all their failures)- but, at the end of the day I need to look in the mirror and feel (feelings can be more important then facts) that I gave it my best effort. I created the potential for success and enjoyment and fullfillment. If I don't move my feet - I know where I'll be in 2 years - the same dam place I'm standing in today!
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