Thursday, February 23, 2006
"Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind.
To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all."
It's been a roller coaster the last two weeks. Interviews, offers, rejections, mismatches, matches made in heaven and disappointments. Looks like I'll be staying at the hardwood showroom for awhile. I've worked twice and enjoy it quite a bit.
I've had some heavy discussions with friends, family and myself in the past week. Something about interviews and having to "sell" myself brings up alot of insecurity (a.k.a. anxiety). At the same time I have been getting a lot of attention at school for my good work. I feel like I'm going from 0 to 60 on the confidence gas pedal every other day.
The best advice I've gotten so far was from my friend Hasmuk, who happens to be an architect (and a very wise yogi). I was telling him about all the guilt I carry around about my career choice. Struggling with the feelings of interior design being materialistic, shallow, environmentally irresponsible and often socially challenging. Hasmuk reminded me that when I feel this guilt it's really my "ego" talking. It's the ego who wants to feel like it is doing the right thing. It's the ego who worries about what it "should" do and what expectations it "should" be living up to. The EGO is BAD! This is something Siddha Yoga tries to teach it's students....but alas...I haven't been a very good student lately!
But this all really clicked for me. I get too caught up in defining myself with my career. Hasmuk says, work is work. Go to work, do a good job and then that's it. There isn't any more to it. It is what it is....it's not me... Which isn't to say that I can't enjoy it or be passionate about it. But I let my "ego" trick me into thinking that it's all there is. No more Ego...I've gotten smarter now. I'm going to "rest like a giant tree..."