Envy

"A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another." [via dictionary.com]

Andrew and I spent 3 hours looking at houses yesterday. We looked at a total of 11. It was quite exhausting and depressing. All the neighborhoods that I want to live in are way too expensive for tiny, TINY houses. Our apartment is bigger than most of these houses!! Last night and this morning I am feeling the weight of “envy” on my shoulders and my spirit and it sucks….

I’ve been feeling a lot of “envy” for the last couple years. Between friends getting married, friends getting new jobs, friends buying HUGE, beautiful houses, and friends having babies I have been feeling quite out of sorts. I don’t like the feeling of envy. It doesn’t make me feel good. I love my friends and I am happy for them…really I am. I just wish I could stop my mind from always comparing and comparing and comparing. The “envy” is heavy and cold and uncomfortable. It makes me feel small and sad and lonely. It plays tricks on me…how will I ever find a house that is as good? How will I ever have a wedding that is as good? Everyone has done it first, so when my turn comes around it will be old and boring. The “envy” won’t let me shake these thoughts.

On 60 minutes last night they had a story about the Moken people who managed to survive the tsunami late last year because they knew how to read the signs of the ocean. The story explored lots of other details of their culture such as the fact that they have no words for hello, goodbye, time, when, or want. How glorious to not know the word want! I want….. Ah..see, caught myself. Would it even be possible to make it through a day without saying the word “want”? Would you be able to notice when you said it?

How do I let go of envy? How do I find contentment in the present moment? How do I experience gratitude for what I already have? Life would be so much sweeter if I could find the answers.